After last nights Celtics/Pistons game underachieving Alopecia Universalis sufferer and Detroit Piston's Power Forward Charlie Villanueva tweeted that Kevin Garnett called him a "Cancer Patient" while trash talking during the Celtics blow out win. Alopecia Universalis, a disease resulting in hair loss has kept Villaneuva hairless for the entirety for his adult life.
Now since his trade to the Celtics Garnett has been singled out as one of the NBA's premiere trash talkers. In a response Garnett claims that he called Villaneuva "Cancerous to your team and our league"... Sure Kevin, and everybody throughout middle school was just calling me a "flag" over and over because of my patriotic Baja-poncho-hoodie-pullover and accompanying Disney fanny pack.
But as always who is right and who is wrong comes down to the timeless biblical passage from Cam'Ron 3:14
"Cuz when Feds come, N***** mouths run But the outcome, gon' be 'bout guns Cuz I don't bitch, and I don't snitch I work hands on, f*** wit Cam'Ron"
So Charlie don't Twit-Snitch!! It's classless!!
FROM VILLANUEVA'S TWITTER ACCOUNT
"KG called me a cancer patient, I'm pissed because, u know how many people died from cancer, and he's tossing it like it's a joke,"
No Dr. Villanueva, I don't know. HOW MANY people die from cancer? And don't just say "A LOT"
"I wouldn't even trip about that, but a cancer patient, I know way 2 many people who passed away from it, and I have a special place 4 those"
Ok I'm with you here Charlie. Cancer sucks. Good to see you're taking the high road...
"KG talks alot of crap, he's prob never been in a fight, I would love to get in a ring with him, I will expose him"
Annnnnnd you lost me. Really Charlie?! Challenging KG to a fight via twitter is pretty much the same as asking your best friend to tell the girl who sits in front of you during math class that you're into her... via myspace. I'm disappointed in you.
As it goes in America win and all is forgotten So don't expect much of a KG backlash on this one... However Charlie V, if you can continue to keep up the strong bench play you've shown so far with Detroit you may just earn enough respect to win back your starting PF slot... or at the very least finally get to meet Joe Naimith...
SPOILER ALERT: Bobby isn't actually sick... Cindy just wrote a make-a-wish letter to Broadway Joe pleading for him to pay a visit to her dying broseph
Ok so clearly it hasn't gotten that out of control yet but Chris Dudley and Shawn Bradley both ran in Tuesday's election. Chris for Governor of Oregon, and Shawn for lankiest mormon phsyically birthed/Utah Congressman.
In unsurprising news Bradley lost terribly in his bid for hometown-hero-backdoor-republican. However Chris Dudley, the Yale educated staunchly republican Center who played most of his years for the Portland Trailblazers had a real shot in Oregon losing by a slim margin to John Kitzahber a progressive democrat who for the record never got his face f***-dunked by Shaq.
Sorry Chris, I'm Sure Your Parents Are Proud But Yale's no HARVARD!!
Dudley clearly a thinker of clarity and vision was infamously one of the NBA's career worst Free Throw shooters at .458%. On April 14 he missed 17 of 18 free throws in a 124-113 loss to the Indiana Pacers. In that game he broke Wilt Chamberlain s NBA record by missing 13 straight free throws, one of them an airball. Dudley wound up with a league-worst .319 free-throw percentage that year.
As shooting Free Throws is predominantly equal parts mental and muscle memory I ask you this fair citizens of Oregon: Who do you want shooting your Free Throws?
But let's not let Bradley off easy. A BYU boy at heart who just couldn't ever get his body fat percentage above -.3% during his career Bradley IS the origin of the word "posterized". I could dig up countless Fleer Upperdeck Cards to corroborate this allegation... BELIEVE ME!!
Instead Trippell Dubbellers I'll leave you with this montage... Hope you voted and lets keep the "3 Second Violation" alive and well in all sectors of government!!
5:15 Watching the Heat lose their first game to the equally honorable yet elderly Celtics... Cheering for the bottom of my pint glass... (but secretly the Celtics R.I.P Garnett)
5:40 The cumulative average age of the Celtic's "Big Three" is over 100 and the cumulative average age of the Miami Heat's "Big Three" is under 80. That is science fact. Also science fact: the life span of the ocean quahog clam can surpass 200 years of age
6:00 Second Half started Celtics back down to a 15 point lead... watch Bosh go 2-15 tonight. 3rd banana no split this season for Chris...
6:15 Must figure out who the old white guy in Spolestras ear the whole night is. If I wasn't totally ignorant of the whole situation it appears HE is calling the Heat's plays during time-outs
6:20 Paul Pierce: Consistently trying to take the charge? Or the least athletic all-star in basketball for the last decade? YOU be the judge!!
6:30 Lebron James will have a double-double tonight in Points and TURNOVERS.... Totally clown!! as @ohsweetnothing/Jersey Rob would say!!
6:35 Trailer for new Denzel movie plays during timeout... Tell me that movie isn't "SPEED on a train" and I will call you a cot dayyam liar.
6:40 Jermaine O'Neal's head has evolved from an ostrich egg with cornrows to a more peanut based shape... the headband just exacerbates the matter. Discuss.
For reference
6:55 Kevin Garnett will still knock it from 20 so give him some respect and just aim for the ankles and knees... he can go 82 like i go 82 minutes on a standard issue treadmill i.e. NOT WELL.
7:00 The Heat are already throwing up desperation shots. My attention is turning to parkour dog Ukrainian Parkour Dog - Watch more Funny Videos
7:06 OK they're making it interesting... i'll give the Clown Prince that. Within 3 with a little over a minute to play. 7:08 Nail in the coffin its been ALL DAY RAY this game and he comes through with a dagger here...
7:10 72 wins my stunch... Stunch: the area above the groin and below the belly button on bio-males (for the Scrabble players among us) 7:13 Game... time to carve pumpkins
I know this is a basketball blog but THIS IS IMPORTANT!! 3-0?! REALLY?! As in THREE WINS and ZERO LOSSES I know that I don't believe that the Bears are even a lock for the playoffs let alone deserve to be in the conversation for best team in the NFC. BUT I am super jazzed to hear YOUR opinions CHICAGO!!
Reply to this post with the BEST CASE for whether the Da Bear's are for real-real or simply figments of our collective over-imagination. This weeks winner will be forever immortalized as Trippell Dubbell's first official FAN OF THE WEEK (Clayton and I may even be able to dig up a super "hip-and-with-it" prize for the winning Trippell Dubbeller!!)
In the meantime here is the only case I need to make for why I don't consider the Bears marriage material this season!! BOOM!!
WARNING:VIDEO MAY CONTAIN WORLD'S MOST PERFECT USAGE OF YAKKETY SAX
The off-season is wrapping up and I won't lie to you friends I am curling my toes like that ONE chick, in that ONE movie, when that ONE thing is happening!!
This being the biggest off-season in league history we were treated to what can only be described as every NBA beat writers Hannukah present for the next 6 years (Yes they're all Jewish. Yes they usually get socks) But I'll give it to them, the NBA is writing one hell of a script. One built for Hollywood blockbusters that DON'T include Rick Fox, Common, or Whoopi Goldberg.
Not pictured:OHIO'S DIGNITY
As you now well know the NBA has a new Evil Empire. Lebron Skywalker turned to the darkside joining Darth Wade and Boba Bosh through an intelligent design orchestrated by the sinister Palpatine Riley. The Miami Heat are the consensus A-Team, spelled with a capitol ASSHOLE, and the target on their back could not be any bigger, brighter, and more rewarding.
Now to be fair. This is a business, it's Two-Thousand-Fucking-Ten so get over it you baby. The Brooklyn Dodgers have no place in today's world. And getting upset about it isn't going to bring back your dead goldfish.
NBA, MBA, PAY-TO-PLAY.
Sure I cried when Kevin Garnett left me. But you know what? HE didn't hold a national press conference to spit in Minnesota's eye. Say what you will, he may be a grizzled old coot these days, but damn it he was a class act then, now, and when he left as far as Minnesota is concerned! Say otherwise and I'll give you a shiner that'll make Kirby Puckett double take... (note:R.I.P. Kirby Puckett...)
I have no problem with Bron leaving Cleveland. Sure it's a sad day for Lids and NBA jersey salesmen. But he knew what he was doing. There are still no illusions that Miami is Wade County. (That's right fantasy ballers Dwayne Wade will continue to put up phenomenal numbers this year!! His FG% and Assists will be up from last year and it all comes at the cost of a slight decrease in scoring output. Plus he'll may still be available with the 7th or 8th pick!!) James knows it. Bosh knows it. But let's get serious. You want predictions. So here goes: THE MIAMI HEAT WILL NOT, I REPEAT NOT, WIN THE NBA CHAMPIONSHIP THIS YEAR. BUT THEY WILL WIN 3 OF 4 THE FOLLOWING!! THAT IS 3 CHAMPIONSHIPS IN 5 YEARS!! DO THE MATH!!
You heard it here FIRST!!
That being said I'll apologize for the hiatus in entries and announce I'm officially back on the blog grind!! So buckle up, knuckle up. It's going to be a huge year and there are a lot of teams who SUBSTANTIALLY improved their roster. SPOILER ALERT: CHICAGO AND PHILLY ARE GOING TO BE SERIOUS PLAYOFF CONTENDERS AGAIN!!
But come on, this off-season belongs to the HEAT so leeeeezzzzgoooo!!
The Wizards Casting Their Latest Spell: A Level 14 F*** YOU I'M RICH!!
When you drive by a wreck on the highway, the real reason traffic slows is the sick often subconscious hunger man carries to steal a glimpse of death. Watching the Washington Wizards earlier this season was not dissimilar to this phenomenon. Three high profile, high priced, high risk all-stars all coming back from injury was a hot button topic. Despite a mounting list of concerns, the Wizards and a controlling share of the national media seemed optimistic, even going so far as to hang lofty expectations on the 2009-10 Wizards.
In the offseason the acquisitions of potent but undersized combo gaurd Randy Foye and scrappy Dakotan sharpshooter Mike Miller from the Timberwolves, in what ultimately became the Wolves right to call dibs on resistant Spanish mail order bride Ricky Rubio, seemed to be enough for some to draft a compelling argument that the Washington Wizards finally had the proper ensemble cast to be legitimate contenders. A starting 5 of Arenas, Butler, Miller, Jamison, and Haywood is as statistically solid as you'd have found at seasons start. Add a bench brimming with raw talented youth in Andray Blatche, Nick Young, Javaris Crittenton, and Javale Mcgee. Passionate journeyman looking to land permanent D.C. residence in Mike James, Earl Boykins, and Fabricio Oberto. And a dynamic veteran head coach with playoff experience in the newly appointed Flip Saunders and D.C. looked seriously legit. Especially in the context of the perennially weak Eastern Conference. On paper they were ready to jump off the goddamn page... Then the season started.
Caron Butler: Disgruntled and off target with his stroke. Feeling like a third wheel on a team he once co-captained.
Antawn Jamison: Sidelined the first 2 months with a partially dislocated shoulder, watching helplessly as spirits eroded and expectations turned from lofty to laughable
DeShawn Stevenson: Benches himself announcing that he is a detriment to the team.
Mike Miller: Hurt within a month.
Gilbert Arenas: Shaking off rust and finding that his shot was NOT where he remembered leaving it before multiple knee surgeries
But the ugliness that unfolded as the season progressed ranks amongst the worst in professional sports history. For a league already playing tug of war with a distant and fickle Post-Jordan fan base, one sick of pay-to-play pros, and desperately vying to counter the common white hollerpoints characterizing NBA Players as gang-bangers, thugs, and spoiled millionaires, the 09-10 Wizards have given haters the latest opportunity to reload* their talking points. On Christmas Eve 2009 Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton drew pistols over unpaid gambling debts in the Wizards locker room. Question: WHO BRINGS GUNS TO WORK?! Sidenote: SERIOUSLY?!
With season suspensions for both players NBA Commissioner David Stern continues to fight the war on league image. But how do you kill a Hydra?
WOW!! I Haven't Watched This In A While!!
In 2005, one year after the now infamous Palace Brawl between the Indiana Pacers and Detroit Pistons, the NBA launched it's aggressive re-branding campaign: NBA CARES.
I'm sure if you've seen an NBA game in the last five years you've caught one of these 30 second spots. Dwight Howard single-handedly building Haitian villages. Chris Paul running drills with the Special Olympics. But you can't win over the jaded with face time Stern. No matter how many times you document Udonis Haslem volunteering at the soup kitchen you will not change public opinion until a complete turnover in the NBA's premiere player's takes place. Player's who gain entry into the NBA inherit accountabilities to their teams and fan base, albeit often at a young age. And it is important to take these players actions in context. But we are not just talking about rookie mistakes, growing pains, and an egoist minority. We are talking about All-Star's making public displays of malevolence and money talks no-rulez decisions upon a national stage. We see these players continue their masquerade of the untouchable, through often calculated self aware behavior, hungry for headlines and pining for pull-quotes.
Outside the realm of the role model, team altruism, and league image lets talk about the local impact of problem players.
Symptoms include poisoning the locker room, tanking energy levels, and disrupting chemistry.
So Where Does This Leave The Wizards?
With Arenas and Crittenton suspended. Butler and Haywood Traded to Dallas. Jamison riding shotgun with King James in Cleveland. And a net return of Josh Howard, Al Thornton, James Singleton, and Quinton Ross. The Wizards used a mixture of cap-clearing triple lutzes and Lott's-wife-style full on demolition, in their A-Bomb obligated trade deadline moves. A series of forced transactions meticulously basted in a sense of impending urgency.
Let's start with the positives. Now free to develop with few limitations and even fewer expectations, Andray Blatche finally turned that frown upside down and has flourished in the now post-apocalyptic feeling Verizon Center. Abandoned Clippers little big man project Al Thornton has also come alive since the trade to D.C. proving that he's willing to at least attempt a rebound every now and again. And who's that in the starting 5? Is it a Bird**? Is it a James? No it's JAVALE MCGEE!! Who? Exactly... but hey, if you can take over double double duty for a sorely missed Brendan Haywood, now the glue in Dallas' screaming race to the finish line, you're A-OK in my book.
Now the bad news isn't a f****** surprise. The Wizards are a joke. And much like the comic stylings of Demetri Martin... not that funny. Ironically, intelligence even dressed in jokes clothing, (see: once again Demetri Martin... not into that guy), is just what the Wizards needed.
Financial maneuvering I understand. Dump big contracts, pick up some prospects, prepare for next years draft. But I don't understand the point of jettisoning problem players and contracts in return for Josh Howard, a bad blood small forward with a time honored tradition of seasonal injury. See: played for a week in D.C. before losing the remainder of the season to a torn ACL. This while retaining contracts with fading poster boy Agent Zero. INSERT GUN HUMOR HERE. And undeveloped, bad-blood foster child Crittenton.
I suppose this brings me to my point. In order to effectively create institutional change within your ball club you must start at the roots of both the finances and the personnel. I don't question most trades involving disgruntled poisonous players no matter the compensation: Iverson, Tyrus, Butler, Artest, McGrady etc... But I do think it's time these transactions were advocated for by management with the same care and calculated foresight that you would see with trades centered around contract dumping.
Setting a precedent in which player currency values both talent and disposition allows us to positively affect standards for the on and off court privileges associated with playing in the NBA. Not only does this work towards David Stern sleeping through a full night without uncontrollable sobbing, but ultimately sets the groundwork for bringing old disillusioned heads back to the game along with a new generation of fans that don't have to settle for a grab bag of petty selfish heroes.
Maybe I just miss 90's Garnett, but when I was growing up dude used to shoot hoops with neighborhood kids in his Brooklyn Park driveway outside of Minneapolis, never disrespected the city he loved, and left me with a hero whose convictions I emulated and will always remember.
Don't so much care for his crotchety tough-guy Celtics persona, but s*** Kirby Puckett's dead so all I have left is Ric Flair, Prince, and Da Kidd. I'll give him some wiggle room.
13 YEAR OLD: CHILL DAD!! This is totally my favorite band LMFAO!! Their music is totally Schwayze. My favorite song used to TOTALLY kind of be I'm in Miami Trick but now its KIND OF totally Shots DAD: Now you just jam on your juggler for one cotton packin' marmot boy! Your old man's gone and poured himself a steaming hot cup of confused here. What's this music even about? It sounds to me a lot like black men screaming at me followed by white kids whining at me. Son be honest with your poppi-san... this is how the kids like their rip rappin' served up? 13 YEAR OLD: Ummmm yea Dad. They're like THE MOST popular musicians of all time.
DAD: Well son, today you've taught me a valuable lesson in humility. I'm proud to be your father and proud to be the Marketing and Promotions Manager for the National Basketball Association.
TWO WEEKS LATER IN A DEEP-SEA ROUNDTABLE BRAINSTORMING THINK TANK ON NBA YOUTH OUTREACH...
And if you really need an individualized NBA Team SHOTS MP3 I dare you to CLICK HERE
